It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
