I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
