the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
