just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
