how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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