Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
