I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
