My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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