Michael Bay diarrhea
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
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