WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
