What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
