I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
