dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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