Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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