Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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