I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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