Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
