so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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