i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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