there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
