Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
