new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
