so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
