girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
