why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
