A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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