Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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