I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
