So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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