My liver just broke up with me...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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