Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
