She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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