Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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