She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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