so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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