I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
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