My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
