Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
