My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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