my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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