bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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