Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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