He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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