he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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