wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
