I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
