Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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