Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
