I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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