There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Randomize
