by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
