Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
