i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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