You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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