I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
