Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
