Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
