people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
