i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
