it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
