Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
