If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
