That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
