batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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