mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
